Category: Life

DEAR ABBY: I am a man in my 40s. A woman and I had a relationship that ended badly. We met on the job, though we work in different departments. Everyone knows about our previous relationship, and it is extremely awkward. Every time I walk by, there are lots of smiles and chattering; when I approach my co-workers’ desks, I’m greeted with silence and intense stares. I still have strong feelings for her, and I know they are reciprocated because she has verbalized it and shown it with her actions and behaviors.

After she ended things, I was upset and gave her the silent treatment. I know she feels hurt by my pretending like she doesn’t exist. I am a stubborn man, but I really miss her. After the breakup, she mentioned being friends. I cannot be friends with her. Despite the amount of time that has gone by, I still want to fix things. However, I know my real intentions and illusions about getting back together are misguided fantasy. I would appreciate your insights.

— AWKWARD AT WORK

DEAR AWKWARD: Do you understand that it’s you, not your co-workers, making things awkward? By resorting to the silent treatment, you’ve made everyone uncomfortable. You say you want to fix things, but you’ve made no attempt to do so. You don’t believe you can reconcile with your ex, but on what grounds? You won’t even talk to her! I don’t think you’re “stubborn”; I think you’re afraid. You’ve kept up this unseemly behavior because you don’t want to be hurt again. If you can’t muster the courage to tell this woman you want another chance, you have two options left: Either speak with her purely as a colleague and bury the hatchet so you can at least be cordial in the workplace, or start looking for another job.

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DEAR ABBY: My father’s girlfriend, “Jane,” has started soliciting money for her causes from everyone she knows, especially our family members. After the first request, I donated a modest amount to support her, not knowing the deluge of requests that would follow. I have a set amount of money I can use for charity and would rather decide for myself how to spend it.

Jane and my father are sensitive about her being accepted into our family. They both tend to look for slights and then blow them out of proportion. Dad has made it clear that unless my siblings and I fully embrace Jane, he won’t be part of our lives. I admire him sticking up for her, but I know if I decline the next donation request it’s going to get ugly. I feel like I’m being held hostage. How do I get out of this situation?

— HELD HOSTAGE IN VANCOUVER

DEAR HELD HOSTAGE: Talk to your father privately and tell him you love him. Remind him that you don’t have an unlimited amount of money to donate to charity, that you have causes of your own that are important to you, and that you have already donated to Jane’s more than once. Ask him to explain that to her and that it isn’t a rejection of her — just fiscal responsibility on your part. He needs to know you feel like you won’t be able to have a relationship with the father you adore if you refuse these solicitations.

DEAR ABBY: A dear friend of 10 years experienced a severe mental health crisis. I did my best to reach out to her, but she pushed me away and flaked on plans and important events at the last minute at least a dozen times. Once her mental health began to improve, I approached her and told her I understood her behavior had been largely out of her control, but it still hurt when she pushed me away and canceled at the last minute for meaningful events in my life. She apologized, I accepted, and I thought we could move on again as close friends.

She is now engaged to a man and seems to put no time or value into our friendship. I am grieving the loss of a dear friend and struggling to accept that it is over. I have many questions: Did we simply drift apart? Is her new fiancé more important to her? Is she upset that I confronted her, and was I wrong to do so? Do 10 years of friendship mean nothing? I’m afraid another difficult conversation will create a worse outcome, but I miss the friend I once had. Where is the line to excuse behavior under the duress of mental health and at what point do I simply accept that she is no longer a good friend, mental health crisis aside?

— NOT OVER IT IN OREGON

DEAR NOT OVER IT: As much as this close friendship may have meant to you, it’s time to realize that these relationships are not always static. They can evolve, devolve and change. You were within your rights to express to the woman that you felt pushed away during her mental health crisis. Those were your feelings, and you were entitled to them.

The time has come now for you to lighten up. Your friend is happily engaged to someone who makes her happy, and her attention and priorities have shifted away from her close friendship with you. Of course her fiancé is more important to her than you are. It isn’t that you are no longer good friends, it’s that the intensity has lessened. Handle that as you wish, but I see nothing positive to be gained by another confrontation.

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DEAR ABBY: My daughter is getting married to “Bob,” who has an 8-year-old son, “Ricky,” from a previous marriage. The plan was to have Bob’s son be the ring bearer and have my 2 1/2-year-old grandson, “Aiden,” be the flower boy. However, Ricky has autism, and Bob has decided that it would be better to not include him in the ceremony. Now he says he doesn’t want Aiden to be in the ceremony, either. I can understand Bob’s feelings, but it does not seem fair to me.

— NEW MEXICO GRANDDAD

DEAR GRANDDAD: You may feel let down by this decision, but trust that your grandson will never know the difference. When planning a wedding, the bride and groom organize the ceremony in whatever way they feel will best celebrate their union. Fairness doesn’t play a role in it, and no one is owed a place in the wedding party. Attend the wedding with joy in your heart, and show your daughter how much you love her by respecting her decision.

DEAR ABBY: My husband (80) and I (72) have been married 25 years. This is the second marriage for both of us. Until three years ago, I felt I had a wonderful relationship with his family, so it’s hard to deal with what he’s done to me and my relationships with them. A new daughter-in-law, “Jean,” who has a granddaughter, “Sophie,” has fostered a secret relationship between my husband and this child, who is now 4. I was shocked when they came over on his birthday last year and Sophie was all over him, calling him grandpa, etc. It was apparent what had been going on. I felt humiliated at being excluded but said nothing, as I had been looking forward to getting to know the child. I believe Jean has her eyes on my husband’s money. I suspect he used our joint checking account to buy a life insurance policy with this little girl as a beneficiary. I believe Jean thinks my husband (and I) should foot the bill for Sophie’s college education.

Now my husband wants a divorce. We’ve had some rocky years due to his health, but this takes the cake. This DIL is greedy and brazen. My husband did not want his son to marry her in the first place, but she had a plan. I have done nothing wrong (though he accuses me of cheating), and it is heartbreaking that his family is ghosting me. How do you fight a liar?

— ILL IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ILL: Dealing with a manipulator like Jean can be a nightmare. If you haven’t consulted a divorce lawyer, do so now, and make sure the insurance policy is the first thing you mention. A lot of your story is Jean’s word against yours, but if such a policy was created without your knowledge, your husband could be in big trouble. It may be of utmost interest to your attorney.

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DEAR ABBY: My oldest son, “Mitch,” from a previous marriage, passed away six months ago. He had five children and two grandchildren. Admittedly, I hadn’t been the most attentive grandparent over the years. I got along well with them, but I wasn’t always around because I was raising my own family. Since Mitch’s death, I haven’t heard a word from any of them. His kids are grown; the youngest is 24. Mitch’s wife has made it known that I am not needed in their lives. She said she needs time and space. I’m respecting that, but I’m not happy that I don’t get to see one of my great-grandsons. Should I force the issue and show up at her door one day? I don’t want to alienate them, but it’s becoming obvious that I’m out of their lives forever. These are sad times. I miss my son as much as they do, but they don’t care about me.

— DOWN AND OUT IN INDIANA

DEAR DOWN AND OUT: You mentioned that you “weren’t the most attentive” grandparent over the years. Did this include forgetting them on birthdays, Christmas, graduations and so forth? If the answer lies between “maybe” and “yes,” then it shouldn’t be surprising that your grandchildren learned to do without you in their lives. Allow me to offer this suggestion: Rather than show up unannounced, it might be more effective to reach out to them individually.

DEAR ABBY: My next-door neighbors are appropriately friendly, mow their lawn and generally mind their own business. The husband is a leader in a fundamentalist church whose pastor preaches that being gay is a sin and transgender people are mentally ill. My wife and I are lesbians, and our middle child is transgender. This is obvious to anyone who has met us.

Our third child is the same age as the neighbors’ daughter, and they play outside sometimes. Her mom has started asking if my daughter can come over to their house. I’m looking for a kind way to let her know that playdates are not an option. I respect their family’s right to have values different from mine, but I don’t think it’s emotionally safe for my kid to be over there. Similarly, my house is too queer-friendly for me to feel comfortable hosting a conservative neighbor’s kid here. How do I give a blanket “no” to visits while remaining cordial neighbors?

— THE LESBIAN NEXT DOOR

DEAR LESBIAN NEXT DOOR: I get the impression you and your neighbors are polite but not close, so there’s your reason: Tell her you aren’t comfortable letting your daughter spend time inside the home of someone you don’t know well. To improve this relationship, invite them over for dinner, perhaps a casual outdoor barbecue. If it turns out your two families are as incompatible as you suspect, your daughter will stop receiving playdate invitations.

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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, “Dirk,” and I are in our late 50s. We both are divorced, and we each have a single child over the age of 18. Every time Dirk and I go out for a nice dinner date, he either orders a meal “to go” to bring home for his son or purposely eats only half his dinner and brings the rest home for him. I’ve told Dirk this is rude. It spoils the mood of having an intimate adult date. His son is old enough to figure out how to feed himself.

The problem is, Dirk won’t stop doing this, and it’s been going on for years. It took two years to finally get Dirk to stop bringing his son with us if we went on errands together. I feel suffocated and like I’m dating two rather than one in that household. Dirk chooses to blur boundaries and always pulls the “single dad, raising him on my own” card, an excuse I’ve never had to make. I believe it applies to minor children, not adults, and coddling to this extreme is ridiculous.

Am I being too harsh? My son is self-sufficient. He has a healthy social life and keeps healthy boundaries when it comes to my love life. I’ve talked myself hoarse being honest with Dirk about all of this, but it never changes, and these dynamics keep me from advancing my commitment to Dirk. He begs me to move in, but I think after one week, I’d be at my wits’ end. Should I pull the plug altogether and move on?

— DATING TWO IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DATING: I think that unless you’d like to become a family of three living under Dirk’s roof, you need to do exactly that. Feeling as you do about Dirk’s son, the relationship would be doomed from the moment you unpacked your bags.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend in our prayer circle, “Diane,” has a friend, “Suzy,” with whom several of us once socialized. We’ve all distanced ourselves because Suzy has anger and stability issues that have become increasingly frequent since her former spouse has begun dating again. Diane allows Suzy to verbalize all kinds of half-truths and act out with volatile behavior, which some of us feel is basically encouraging destructive mental health.

While some of us suspect Diane enjoys the drama of recounting Suzy’s latest issue, others believe she thinks she’s “being there” for Suzy. Since so much of each meeting is now focusing on Diane’s description of Suzy’s latest tantrum, how can we encourage her to help Suzy get the counseling she needs to get past not only her divorce, but also the results of several years of negative behavior, and focus on the real reason we are gathering?

— CARING FRIEND IN OHIO

DEAR FRIEND: Has it occurred to you that instead of praying, which is what those meetings are supposed to be about, Diane has hijacked the purpose of the meeting with gossip when she describes in detail poor Suzy’s antics? What an invasion of Suzy’s privacy! Tell Diane that if she really wants to help her friend, she should encourage her to get professional help and, if she’s reluctant to do it, to pray (as will you all!) that Suzy summons up the courage.

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DEAR ABBY: I live in a neighborhood that has no sidewalks, and I vacation in a busy coastal area that also has narrow roads. My dog and I walk at least once a day along these roads, and I’ve noticed that many pedestrians don’t know which side of the road to walk down.

According to the Scouts, you should walk facing traffic. This makes sense because you can see vehicles coming toward you and can move out of the way if they do not or cannot move around you. These days, electric cars are so quiet that many walkers don’t hear them coming. Driving when you never know where walkers will be is dangerous, too. Please get the word out to walk or jog facing traffic, but not down the middle of the road. Thanks!

— DOG WALKER IN IOWA

DEAR WALKER: I have long thought that my column serves as a sort of extended “community billboard.” Your safety message is an important one. Thank you for taking the time to share it.

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DEAR ABBY: We need advice on the polite thing to do when you observe something on the face of a person you are talking to. Should you: a) Motion with your finger on your face that an object has been observed; b) Tell the person discreetly; c) Say or do nothing? Does it make a difference if the person is a friend, spouse or casual acquaintance? In the case of a spouse or good friend, should the observer suggest removing it? Does the same thing apply if you notice a zipper undone, button unfastened, clothing untucked, a smudge, tear or wet spot?

— DIFFERENT OPINIONS

DEAR OPINIONS: I think the kind choice would be to inform the person of the problem discreetly, which would cause the least confusion and embarrassment. If appropriate, offer to help and see if it is welcome.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson is 2 and has started to call me “Mimi.” The problem is that his other grandmother chose Mimi for herself. My daughter-in-law is annoyed and does not want him calling me Mimi. She also doesn’t want me to be called Mom-Mom because he calls her Ma-Ma. Am I wrong to be upset? I’ve been an active caregiver in this child’s life since his birth. His other Mimi does not live nearby and makes no effort to be in her grandchild’s life — not even by phone. She just uses the term Mimi to sound good to her Facebook friends.

I know this is silly, but is it wrong for me to be upset? He needs something simple to call me when we go to playgrounds and can’t find me. I feel that he can have two Mimis. I grew up with two moms.

— NICKNAME IN THE EAST

DEAR NICKNAME: More than one Mimi could be confusing. The most important thing is your relationship with your grandchild, not who has dibs on a certain name. I suggest you let the other grandmother claim “Mimi” while you collaborate with the little boy on a new nickname for you. If he takes part in the decision, it will be easier for him to remember and a lot more special.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 12 years and have two stepchildren. My 37-year-old stepson is the challenging one. He’s the biggest cheapskate I have come across in my entire life. Although he earns a good living in his profession, he rarely picks up the tab when we go out to dinner or drinks, and he almost never picks up his own tab, either. He seems to expect that we, as parents, are obligated to take care of his expenses.

My wife has recently begun picking up his portion, but I find it infuriating that he makes no gesture at all to pay his own way. Should I just let it go and continue letting his mother pick up his portion (from her separate account), while I continue to stress about it?

— CHEAPSKATE’S STEPDAD IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR STEPDAD: Has your wife asked you not to talk with her son about this? If she hasn’t, have you told him he’s too old for Mom to constantly pay his tab, particularly in light of the fact that he’s a fully employed adult? (One would think he should have volunteered, if only occasionally.) I will assume you have told your wife how you feel about this, that when she picks up her son’s portion it makes you lose your appetite. Start there, but if she continues, remember that that money is hers, and how she chooses to spend it is her business.

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DEAR ABBY: The manager of the dining room in my senior living center has a habit of shaking hands with residents at their tables. To avoid his hand, I often say my hand is wet or greasy. How can I best decline his unsanitary effort?

— HEALTHY HANDS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HEALTHY: The manager wants to appear friendly and welcoming. Because you prefer not to shake hands while dining, simply tell him as much. If you say it with a polite smile and a good-natured tone, it shouldn’t cause embarrassment.