Streams of water shot up and danced at Longwood Gardens during the gender reveal for Danielle Alura’s baby.
The water flashed blue and pink to the tune of Linkin Park’s “What I’ve Done.” On a downbeat, all of the fountains turned one color and fire burst out.
“Next thing you know, I’m witnessing blue on my favorite fountains in the entire world,” Alura said.
It’s a boy.
The water flashed blue and pink before landing on blue.Courtesy of Danielle Alura
Alura and her husband, Curt Clemens, had planned the gender reveal as a surprise finale to their wedding reception on June 18. Longwood Gardens ordinarily hosts nighttime illuminated fountain performances at the five-acre Main Fountain Garden in Kennett Square. However, this show was custom-made for the reveal.
The couple, from Kennett Square,found out they were expecting a baby via surrogacy during their engagement, roughly six months before their wedding. Alura said they were anxious to start a family due to their ages, with Alura being 37 and Clemens 44.
They had both hoped for a boy.
“We’re just so, so over the moon about it,” she said.
In a video posted Saturday that captured the moment the gender was revealed, cheers roared from the crowd as Alura jumped up and down.
The gender wasn’t a surprise to the couple, though it was for many of their wedding guests.
Griffin, the baby boy being celebrated, had arrived just two weeks before on May 31. He was three months early — born premature, just as Alura and her husband had been.
Alura is a singer who was crowned Miss Global USA 2023, while Clemens is a woodworker.
“We were prepared to have a preemie, and we have extra confidence because we’re walking examples ourselves,” she said.
Danielle Alura is a singer and her husband, Curt Clemens, is a woodworker.Courtesy of Danielle Alura
DEAR ABBY: After many years living near and helping my parents, I moved to another state to retire. My dad died three months after I moved. I begged my mother to let me fly back and help her with his arrangements, but she insisted I stay put.
Some weeks later, and two days after we had talked on the phone, she secretly buried my dad’s ashes without telling me. I was devastated to receive a pathetic video of her, my brother, and a priest conducting a private service. Though she won’t admit it, I think she was punishing me for moving away.
Mom is mentally ill and narcissistic, and there have been many betrayals before this one. As the eldest daughter, I appear to be her main target, and my siblings make excuses for her behavior. (My brother said, “It wasn’t my job to call you.”) It has been two years, but she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. How do I get over this? I loved my dad so much.
— MISTREATED IN ARIZONA
DEAR MISTREATED: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your father. A step in the right direction for getting past this would be to remind yourself that your mother is mentally ill and narcissistic. It appears from what you have told me that you have always been the scapegoat in the family, which may be why your brother didn’t alert you to what your mother was planning.
Of course you loved your father. I am sure he loved you very much. If you know where his ashes are interred, it might be a comfort to visit there. However, if you don’t know, I wouldn’t blame you for moving on with your life and spending it with people who appreciate you for the fine person you are.
** ** **
DEAR ABBY: I’ve known my wife for 22 years. We had a lot of on and off during those years. The last time we got back together, we married. It’s been almost five years now.
Recently, we had an argument that has her not wanting me to touch her. She refuses to discuss the problem. It feels like she hates me. When I asked if she wanted a divorce, she said, “I don’t know.” I don’t want to lose her, but her actions since that argument make me think it’s really over. Silence in my own house is ridiculous to me. And not even allowing me to touch her feels like she has really given up on us.
I mentioned marriage counseling, and again her response was, “I don’t know.” I feel like I should just go file for divorce, but that’s not really what I want. Please give me some advice on what to do.
— BEYOND CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR BEYOND CONFUSED: Tell your wife you are not willing to continue being married under the present circumstances. Then return to the subject of marriage counseling. If she is willing to go with you, ask your doctor or your health insurance company to give you a list of qualified marriage and family therapists. The two of you are at a stalemate, and without mediation, your situation won’t change.
The buyers: Eric Murchison, 35, vice president and commercial loan officer
The house: A 2,617-square-foot townhouse in East Falls with 4 bedrooms and 3 baths built in 2025.
The price: Listed for $525,000; purchased for $490,000.
The agent: Marvin Capps, Marvin Capps Realty, Inc.
The kitchen of Murchison’s new East Falls townhouse.Jessica Kourkounis / For The Inquirer
The ask: The idea of buying in Philly had begun to feel impossible to Eric Murchison.
Born and raised in North Philly, he’d watched prices in the city skyrocket for years, convincing him that in order to own a nice home, he’d need to move somewhere like Texas. He’d already begun telling friends that he’d be gone within two or three years.
But when a work client urged him to think about buying in his home city — Why would you leave your hometown? Why not own a piece of it? — he began to think seriously about the possibility.
“I kind of couldn’t sleep at night after he said that to me,” Murchison said.
What he was looking for wasn’t extravagant. He wanted a garage and a rooftop space, along with a separate bathroom for his 16-year-old daughter — which he didn’t have in his rental in Bala Cynwyd. And to be “in an area where you could visually see that developers are in this space.”
He hoped to find all that under $500,000, even as his real estate agent tried to temper expectations.
“When I said ‘under a half-million,’” Murchison recalled, “he said, ‘Eric, are you kidding me? That’s [probably] not going to happen.’”
Eric Murchison, 35, on the front steps of his new East Falls townhouse.Jessica Kourkounis / For The Inquirer
The search: By his own admission, Murchison’s search was “very spontaneous and random.” He’d see a potential home while searching online during his lunch break and decide to go check it out.
One — a duplex near Temple University — was well over his budget, at $750,000. (He’d liked the idea of buying a duplex and renting out one of the units while living in the other.)
Another home he liked in South Philly was priced around $550,000, with no wiggle room. “The guy just was not budging on the price,” Murchison said.
Discouraged, he let his property manager know that he was renewing his lease for the following year.
The primary suite includes a walk-in closet.Jessica Kourkounis / For The Inquirer
The appeal: The first time he came across his future home was on Zillow. It was also on his drive to work, so he’d passed it on his commute, admiring the newly constructed townhouses.
But when he randomly met the developers through work, he said, it felt like kismet.
The development was across from a cemetery and a bit over budget at $525,000. But it was just a 10-minute drive to Center City and a half-mile walk to Kelly Drive, where Murchison liked to go running. He liked the neighborhood, too, which he felt was poised for a boom.
Murchison turned one of the home’s four bedrooms into an office and meditation space.Jessica Kourkounis / For The Inquirer
Because it was a newly constructed home, it was part of a city program that provides a 10-year tax abatement to buyers who bought into certain new construction projects in the city.
“But what ultimately made me move on it was that feeling like, ‘This feels like it could be home,’” he said. “I remember having that feeling, and seeing my daughter, envisioning us like having popcorn and watching TV, and I kind of had in mind where I could put the furniture.”
By the time he toured a second time, he was sold.
The first floor of Murchison’s new townhouse. At 2,617 square feet, it’s more than twice the size of his previous rental. Jessica Kourkounis / For The Inquirer
The deal: Listed at $525,000, Murchison initially offered $480,000 before settling on $490,000, with a 6% seller’s assist.
Though it was a new home, an inspection turned up some minor issues — a loose faucet and a noisy kitchen range fan — that the developer agreed to fix.
The money: Murchisonwas prepared to put 3% down on the new home.But when he inquired with another lender, he said, he was able to get a more attractive deal, in which a down payment wasn’t required.
“I actually got a refund at settlement because I had the 6% seller’s assist,” he said. “So the only down payment was like transfer tax, closing cost, all those things.”
Today, his mortgage is $3,400 — $400 more than his previous rent — and because of the tax abatement, he pays just $68 a month in taxes, he said, instead of the roughly $500 he’d otherwise owe.
The primary bathroom in Murchison’s new townhouse.Jessica Kourkounis / For The Inquirer
The move: With the money he was able to save by not putting down the 3% down payment, he was able to pay for movers, plus a nice dinner for his first night in his new home.
He moved in the same day he closed on the home. “Iclosed Feb. 6, I think at like 10 a.m., [and] the movers were done by 1 p.m.,” he said.
Life after close: At more than 2,500-square-feet, the new home dwarfs Murchison’s previous rental, which was about 1,000 square feet.
In addition to bedrooms for both him and his daughter, he also has a meditation/prayer room.
Eric Murchison’s daughter’s bedroom in his new East Falls townhouse.Jessica Kourkounis / For The Inquirer
So far, he’s had one small renovation project done — removing some shelving in a hallway between his bedroom and bathroom — with plans to make two more improvements in the not-too-distant future: adding a sauna, as well as some shade to the rooftop.
He considers himself “very happy” with his new home, and hopes his story inspires other Philadelphians that homeownership in the city remains possible.
“People need to know — especially Philadelphia natives who think they have to leave — like, hey, if you have a good real estate agent and you have creative financing, you might as well buy.”
A rooftop deck is one of amenities Murchison was seeking in his new home. He got it.Jessica Kourkounis / For The Inquirer
Did you recently buy a home in the Philadelphia area or South Jersey? Share the story of how you did it. Email Inquirer real estate reporters at properties@inquirer.com.
The trailer gives us the full Rocky nostalgia package: the meat locker, the Art Museum steps, the original score, and Stallone refusing to let anyone else play the boxer he created. It could all be unbearably corny (it probably is).
And yet, when that music kicks in, you kind of want to run up some steps.
Philadelphia already has three Rocky statues and has spent 50 years treating a fictional boxer like a founding father. Somehow, this movie may make us love him even more.
John Burns Jr., of Grays Ferry, sits at the Cherry Street Pier amid wildfire smoke from Canada on Thursday.Tyger Williams / Staff Photographer
Going outside: F
First, the heat index soared into the triple digits. Then Canadian wildfire smoke rolled in.
This week, simply stepping outside came with a list of disclaimers. Don’t exercise, limit your time outdoors, keep kids inside. People with asthma, heart disease, and other health conditions were urged to avoid going out altogether. The Phillies even moved up a game because the air quality wasn’t safe enough.
Summer in Philadelphia is supposed to mean block parties, concerts, long walks, baseball games, and dinners outside. Instead, this week felt like the weather was actively negotiating against every plan you tried to make.
Philadelphia Phillies fans boo the Houston Astros after batting practice ahead of baseball’s World Series Game 5 at Citizens Bank Park on Thursday, Nov. 3, 2022, in Philadelphia.Charles Fox / Staff Photographer
In Philadelphia, booing isn’t always about hate. Sometimes it’s acknowledgment or respect, but mainly it’s just our way of making sure everyone knows they’re in our house. The louder the boos, the bigger the moment.
People acted like Phillies fans had violated some sacred baseball etiquette, when in reality they were giving the rest of the country exactly what it came to see.
Kids on bikes ride on Citizens Bank Park with fireworks during the MLB All-Star Game on Tuesday, July 14, 2026 in Philadelphia.Yong Kim / Staff Photographer
Citizens Bank Park spent two nights showing off on baseball’s biggest stage, and by the end of the All-Star Game, players from around the league were saying what Phillies fans have believed all along. Freddie Freeman called it his favorite place to play. Others raved about the atmosphere, the crowd, and the city itself.
For years, The Bank has lived in the shadow of baseball’s older cathedrals — Fenway, Wrigley, Dodger Stadium. It doesn’t have ivy-covered walls or a century of history. What it does have is 43,000 people who treat a Tuesday in May like Game 7 of the World Series and somehow crank it up another level when the spotlight gets brighter.
So the All-Star Game wasn’t just a showcase of baseball’s best players, but also a showcase of one of baseball’s best ballparks.
Professional food critic meets professional critics: A
Millions of people know him as @ChefReactions, the social media creator who makes a living critiquing food videos. Philadelphia, meanwhile, has thousands of self-appointed cheesesteak critics who do it for free. It was an inevitable friendship.
Around here, telling you exactly what we think isn’t considered rude. It’s our version of customer service.
A $5 ride to the Shore: A
We miss you, Megabus.
Pacifico’s new $5 Shore Shuttle, offering round-trip rides from Philadelphia to the Jersey Shore on weekends, feels like it belongs in 2014, not 2026. Sure, this one comes with a beer sponsor, a swag bag, and a very specific schedule, according to Philly Voice. And yes, anyone who’s ever ridden a too-good-to-be-true bus deal has probably spent an unexpected hour in a Walmart parking lot wondering whether they’d ever make it home.
That’s part of the adventure.
If someone else wants to deal with the gas, tolls, Parkway traffic, and parking while you spend less than the price of a Wawa hoagie, that’s a pretty good deal — especially in this economy.
Maybe you’ve heard: Some singer and a tight end got married earlier this month.
The Swift-Kelce wedding (allegedly?) took place at Madison Square Garden, a venue with all the whimsy and romance of a Forman Mills. For a while, though, there was plenty of speculation the celebration would happen in idyllic Westerly, R.I., where Taylor Swift owns a beachfront mansion.
This patchwork of villages, coves, and carousel-dotted shoreline borders Block Island Sound and somehow manages to feel quiet despite its celebrity cachet. It’s a little Gilded Age, a little Jaws’ Amity Island, and a whole lot of money if you’re staying at the area’s marquee hotels.
This itinerary takes you to both — just not to sleep — along with lighthouses, diners, and beaches. It’s pushing Field Trip’s self-imposed five-hour driving limit from Philly, but it’s worth the haul. Better yet, pair it with our Newport or Mystic itineraries for a longer New England getaway. Start the car.
A devastating fire in 2025 nearly cooked the Cooked Goose for good. Thankfully, by March the beloved Watch Hill breakfast spot had reopened, with owners Andrew Nathan and Jennifer Gibson once again serving mortadella egg-and-cheese sandwiches, buttermilk biscuits and gravy, and cinnamon roll pancakes in a powder-blue dining room lined with local art.
If money is no object, stay at Ocean House or Weekapaug Inn. The rest of us should look at Shelter Harbor Inn. Built in 1800 and renovated in 2019, the 22-room property feels more like a refined country estate than a beach hotel, with exposed rafters, fireplaces, mature gardens, and a peaceful setting that’s still less than 10 minutes from the shoreline. Summer rooms can still dip into the low $200s, leaving enough in the budget for a treatment at the on-site spa.
📍 10 Wagner Rd., Westerly, R.I. 02891
Visit: Westerly Museum of American Impressionism
Housed in a low-slung, cerulean-blue building along the river, the Westerly Museum of American Impressionism is a must-visit for art hounds. The private collection features works from the 1880s to the 1920s by John Singer Sargent, Childe Hassam, and other impressionists displayed in naturally lit galleries. Wilson Henry Irvine’s A Summer Afternoon seems an appropriate place to start.
📍 79 Watch Hill Rd., Westerly, R.I. 02891
Play: Atlantic Beach
Atlantic Beach stretches like a long hammock between the residential neighborhoods of Weekapaug and Misquamicut, with one main street, Atlantic Avenue, running through. The gentle surf of the sound rolls up to the golden-tan sand, and if you’re visiting with kids, circa-1921 Atlantic Beach Park gives vintage amusement vibes with its carousel and arcade. The park also operates Windjammer Surf Bar, serving lobster rolls (mayo or butter), coconut shrimp, and banana splits right on the beach.
Watch Hill is a pretty good name for a place to put a lighthouse. There’s been a beacon on this finger of land pointing toward the maritime nexus of Rhode Island, New York, and Connecticut since before the Revolution, with the current Watch Hill Lighthouse standing since 1856. While you can’t climb the gray granite tower, the breakwater-bordered grounds offer lovely views of Block Island Sound, and there’s a small, free museum packed with history about the lighthouse, shipwrecks, and storms.
From the Civil War until 2003, Ocean House watched over Block Island Sound from its blufftop perch. After decades of decline, the iconic resort was painstakingly demolished and rebuilt board for board into the elegant butter-yellow landmark that stands today. Even if you’re not staying overnight, stop by the Verandah Raw Bar for oysters and cocktails overlooking the water.
Every Sunday through Aug. 23, Weekapaug Inn transforms its sweeping waterfront lawn into the Coastal Grille Series. Guests and locals gather in Adirondack chairs overlooking Quonochontaug Pond while feasting on buffet favorites like clam chowder, tomato-and-peach panzanella, brisket sliders, smoked baby back ribs, s’mores tarts, and cupcakes inspired by Rhode Island’s beloved Del’s Lemonade. Advance reservations are required.
My new-to-the-area coworker keeps calling Wawa “waWa” where she emphasizes the second syllable more than the first. The first time it happened, I just made sure to say it correctly so she’d get the hint. It didn’t work. The second time, I let it go. The third time, I told her the deal but was maybe too subtle because I didn’t want to seem rude. Now, she’s still saying it that way. And to be clear: she has no distinguishable accent. Do I say something more explicitly or has the time passed? I’m trying to help!
Dugan Arnett, Life & Culture reporter
First of all, I fear I’m not going to be much help on this one, because this is the best thing I’ve heard in months and I’m 1,000% going to be calling it “waWA” from now on. Infinitely more fun to say.
Stephanie Farr, features columnist
As someone who was a transplant many moons ago, I say to you, a recent Philly transplant, that is not going to go well.
I’m not even sure how to pronounce that. The closest I’m coming up with similar is a-HA, like the second syllable is a surprise.
Dugan Arnett
Wa-WAH???
Honestly, mispronouncing words to make them sound more fun is one of my favorite things. I’ve been calling her Lady guh-GAH for years.
Are we sure the coworker isn’t doing this on purpose?
Stephanie Farr
I am married to someone who does that and it drives me bananas! I remember when we were dating I brought it up to my female coworkers, like “I don’t know if I can live with this guy mispronouncing and making up words on purpose. I’m an English major, damn it, and he’s not Shakespeare!” They told me if that was my biggest problem with the guy to get over it. I accepted it, but I have never gotten over it.
So you make a good point that this person could be doing it on purpose. How do you pronounce Wawa?
Dugan Arnett
Well, from now on I’ll be pronouncing it “waWA.”
I think you’re looking at this all wrong. This is an excellent quality in a partner, the greenest of flags. I’d like to have a beer with your husband so we can mispronounce a bunch of words together. Plus, he might very well be Shakespeare. We don’t know.
As for the coworker, you’ve got to let her cook.
Stephanie Farr
He’s from Delco so he’s definitely not Shakespeare. Let me tell you and our reader a story. I moved to Philly from a land where hoagies were called subs. In my first few months here, I stopped at the deli counter of the Fresh Grocer in West Philly and ordered a “roast beef sub” and the worker behind the counter loudly and publicly shamed me in front of all the other waiting customers. “We don’t call it a sub ‘round here! What do we call it?” the employee asked the small crowd. “A hoagie!” they yelled at me. I never called it a sub again.
Philadelphians will embarrass the hell out of you for word choice and pronunciation, but it’s almost always to save you further embarrassment down the road. So public shaming is one avenue the reader could take.
Dugan Arnett
That does sound like a rather sobering event. I suppose I can see wanting to spare someone that same indignity.
I get the sense that this coworker might be immune to public shaming, though. She’s already been corrected three times and is still holding strong. I respect the dedication.
Stephanie Farr
Another method I might suggest to this person is to flood the newcomer with Wawa-related media, in which the word Wawa is properly pronounced. Maybe be like, “Hey did you ever see this Jason & Kylie Kelce Wawa commercial?” or “Have you heard the Hoagiefest playlist on Spotify?” Repetition could work, and over time it probably will. No matter how long you want to hold on to the correct or mispronunciation of a word, Philly’s hoagie mouth has a way of seeping in. I say this as someone who used to say water and now says wooder.
Dugan Arnett
Flood the zone. I like it.
Stephanie Farr
If this person really wants to help their new coworker, they should not only stress the correct pronunciation of Wawa, but also the correct pronunciation of ack-A-me.
Dugan Arnett
I just want everybody to get along. Is that too much to ask?
DEAR ABBY: I have two best friends going back to third grade (we’re in our 30s now) and one older sister. I’m the last in my friend group to get married. My fiancée and I are eloping this summer. We already own a house and need nothing, so I told my mother and sister that a bridal shower is unnecessary. Plus, since we are eloping, I felt it rude to invite people to a shower when no one would be invited to the elopement.
However, nobody has planned anything else for me. I understand people are busy with their own lives, but I always made time for them, and it makes me feel like I’m not important to them. It’s becoming increasingly difficult not to feel slighted and forgotten.
I would have loved at least a fun girls’ night at our favorite restaurant or even a quiet one watching chick flicks, wearing face masks and painting our toenails — a day where they said, “We thought about you.” I worry that if I reach out to any of them about it, I’ll sound like a spoiled brat. How can I manage these feelings?
— BRIDE, NOT BRAT
DEAR BRIDE: Your friends and family are only doing exactly what you asked for. By eloping and refusing a bridal shower, you’ve signaled that you want this event to pass uncelebrated by the people closest to you. If that’s not really what you want, speak up now.
I’m sure your friends and sister would love to show you how happy they are for you and shower you with well wishes. Approach one of your friends, apologize for the misunderstanding and give your permission for her to plan the girls’ night you were hoping for (or plan it with her).
** ** **
DEAR ABBY: I lent my friend an outfit and cardigan to wear to a wedding. Despite not wearing the cardigan, she washed it before returning it and ruined it. I didn’t ask her not to wash it, and she didn’t ask me if and how to wash it.
She has offered to pay for the cardigan, but it cost a lot more than she’s used to paying for her clothes, so I feel bad that she’s stuck paying for something she had no idea was expensive. What is the laundry etiquette in cases like this? Should I have told her to return it unwashed? Should she have asked how I would like it returned?
Should I ask her to reimburse me for it or is it just water under the bridge? She’s a good friend, and I don’t want to lose her over this, but I admit I am feeling resentful.
— DIRTY LAUNDRY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DIRTY LAUNDRY: Both of you are to blame for this: you for not specifying how you wanted your sweater returned, and her for not asking the question. Is the value of that sweater worth more than the friendship you have with this person? Because you know reimbursing you would be a stretch for her, why not chalk this up to an expensive lesson you learned?
Let’s get the bad news out of the way first: We should avoid long or intense outdoor activities today. Wildfire smoke in our region is making it hard and unhealthy to do so.
As we prepare to venture back outside safely again, here’s what we’re getting up to:
Live view: See what Philly’s air quality is like right now, in maps and charts.
😶🌫️ Your weekend weather outlook: Hot and smoky. Good air quality is not expected to return till Saturday, and it’s expected to rain then, too. Sunday should be mostly sunny.
But given that the Northeast is usually hit hardest by ticks—and it’s peak tick season — it’s important to recognize these pesky creatures so we can avoid them at all costs.
Here are some quick anti-tick reminders:
🌾 Cut tall grasses.
🧦 If you must go into dense vegetation, wear long pants and closed shoes.
🔍 Perform routine checks for ticks on yourself and pets.
Leaders in New Jersey and Philly are assessing flood damage from recent major storms. They may need federal help — at a bad time.
More Burlington County farmland could be preserved for years to come. Trail improvements are also headed to the county to the tune of $500,000 in funds.
🌳 Your outdoorsy experience
My colleague Michaelle Bond and I recently got to talking about our shared enjoyment of kayaking. Here’s what she told me about the activity:
I love kayaking. And every year, I make at least one trip to the Pine Barrens to paddle on one of the rivers there. I’ve gone in the spring to see the foliage waking up, the summer when everything’s green and lush, and the fall to see the leaves putting on their colorful show. I rent a kayak from the folks at Pinelands Adventures, who drop me off in the river in the morning and pick me up when I reach the end of the route. I spend a few hours on the water, alternating between floating gently and working to navigate obstacles and tight turns. I enjoy the tranquility and relative silence – just the wind in the trees and chirping birds – before getting in my car and heading back home to Philly.
TOWANDA, Pa. — Her full name was Cashells Jry Shakira-Red-ET — Shakira to keep it simple — and like her namesake, the big red and white Holstein had 6-foot hips that didn’t lie as she hoofed down Main Street.
Shakira is a showgirl accustomed to winning, one of the few cows that allowed judges to place a floral crown on her head at the Bradford County dairy cow beauty pageant in Towanda on June 20, about 100 years after their last one.
“The most beautiful dairy cow in Bradford County, folks,” said Duane Naugle, Bradford County’s community planner and the day’s emcee.
Bradford County, population 59,600, sits about 175 miles northwest of Philadelphia in North Central Pennsylvania. County officials said they found an old, black-and-white photo of a similar beauty pageant from 1926 in the county courthouse recently.
The purpose of that contest a century ago, organizers said, was to highlight the county’s bustling dairy industry. — Jason Nark
DEAR ABBY: My husband has a twin brother and a younger brother. After I met his family, it became clear that his parents openly favor his twin, “Kaden.” Based on childhood stories my husband and other family members told me, his parents have spent most of their time, energy and money on Kaden. Previously, it made sense. Kaden had health problems as a child and required extra care. But now, although he’s a healthy adult in his mid-30s, the situation hasn’t changed.
Some examples: During his speech at our wedding, my father-in-law asked the room to toast to Kaden’s various achievements instead of toasting my husband and me! My in-laws cancel visits to us because Kaden decided to visit them at exactly the same time. They have planned their vacations based on places Kaden thinks they should visit. Speaking to them on the phone is infuriating since most of the conversation is about what’s going on with Kaden.
I don’t speak to my husband about it often because he gets angry when I bring it up, and their younger brother just shrugs it off as how things have always been. Kaden and his spouse are now trying to have a baby, and my husband is asking that we start trying, too.
Abby, I’m hesitant. I believe it’s important kids grow up with the love and support of grandparents. But based on their behavior for the last 30 years, I’m afraid that if both of us have children, his parents will continue this favoritism toward Kaden’s family.
I am anxious about his parents forgetting our kids’ birthdays or not wanting to visit them. I’m loath to put my children into that situation and am considering refusing my husband’s request, whatever it may mean for our relationship. Am I being unreasonable?
— UNFAVORITE IN THE WEST
DEAR UNFAVORITE: Because of the degree of dysfunction on your husband’s side of the family, it might be helpful to talk this through during some sessions with a marriage and family therapist. You didn’t mention in your letter whether you want to be a mother. If the answer is yes, it could be time for you and your husband to start — provided he isn’t making the request because he’s trying to keep up with his twin brother.
Granted, your in-laws may be dreadful grandparents — but there are usually four of them. I would think your parents would be delighted at the prospect of a new grandchild, as would other relatives on your side of the family.
** ** **
DEAR ABBY: I am a lover of words and find great pleasure in them. There are so many different ways to express myself that I try to use as many as possible. It was recently suggested that perhaps I should limit my vocabulary in order not to confuse some within my circle. I would never knowingly want to make anyone feel “less than,” but it breaks my heart a little bit to not use all the wonderful words available to me. Am I being too sensitive?
— LOVES LANGUAGE IN THE EAST
DEAR LOVES: Words are meant to help us communicate with each other, not separate us. If the vocabulary you are using is too esoteric for your friends to easily comprehend, do them (and yourself) a favor by using language they can understand when you are with them and save the fancy lingo for people who are more receptive.
DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my wife for 23 years. We have three kids and are in our early 40s. My wife has always struggled with her weight, but two years ago she started a plan and has been successful. Her weight loss has prompted me to notice her more, and I’ve noticed as I’ve paid more attention to her in the last few years that she has a wandering eye. I think it is disrespectful.
To be clear, I’m fully aware that attractive people exist, and a quick look is fine with me. I’m not sure if this started after her weight loss, but it has caused issues at home. I’ve brought it up with her, and we’ve had several arguments. I’ve presented multiple examples, and she claims it’s my insecurities. While I do have insecurities, I would never jeopardize our relationship and only brought up this subject after multiple instances.
We are at a standstill. I suggested a therapist for her, and things have only gotten worse. The therapist has said I have “narcissistic traits,” and it’s creating a bigger wedge between us. I have thought about divorce multiple times. I need some advice, please.
— EYES ON HER IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR ‘EYES’: Has your wife’s therapist ever met you? It seems strange that a professional would diagnose a client’s husband from a distance as having “narcissistic traits” when the problem might be simple insecurity after your wife has become more attractive as a result of her weight loss.
Yes, attractive people get more attention. And yes, people who were once less attractive may revel in their new status. However, this does not mean they are cheating. Because you were so quick to suggest a therapist for your wife, please consider some counseling for yourself.
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DEAR ABBY: I host family birthday dinners for my two adult children, their spouses and my three grandchildren every year. This year, my son informed me that his son, the 8-year-old birthday boy, was having two friends (whom I had never met) sleep over and said they would also be at the birthday dinner. It was fine with me.
The three of them, plus my other two grandchildren (ages 5 and 10), were so excited that they ran through the house screaming when we weren’t eating. When we were seated at the table, they were still screaming. It was so loud you couldn’t talk to the person next to you. Before dinner, they picked food off the buffet with their bare hands. They acted like wild animals.
I didn’t say anything to the kids because I thought it was up to my son and his wife to do it. The next day, my husband told me I should have spoken up since I was the host. Should I have stepped in?
— FAILED HOST IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HOST: Yes. The party was in your home, and your wishes and rules should have prevailed. Clearly those children had never been taught not to behave the way they did. Someone should have said something, and that someone was you.
