Tag: Advice Chat

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

My neighbor installed a camera doorbell that can see my entire porch. We do have packages taken occasionally, so I get the desire to have one, but I don’t want to be constantly filmed when I’m on my steps. Our houses are so narrow that I don’t know if it would be possible for him to have one of those doorbells without filming my steps. How do I approach this with him?

Mike Newall

OK, BackThatCameraUp, given the presence of one of Philly’s premiere music writers in this chat, we should begin with a musical exercise.

Play “What’s He Building” by Tom Waits, a song about a possibly creepy neighbor and suburban paranoia. If that song sounds even remotely like your neighbor, then we have a different conversation.

If not, I think we got some questions, like let’s talk porch dimensions here.

Earl Hopkins

Haha you hit it right on the head, Mike! Ask if the camera can be adjusted so you’re not being surveilled.

Plus, that will stop triggering so many false alarms to his phone or devices.

Mike Newall

Yeah, I think there are a few questions and realities here.

The porch: Are we talking South Philly top step or the great vastness of a northwest porch. Are you resting in the sun on this porch? Or throwing groovy bacchanals?

Also, if you live in the city, you’re on tape my friend.

Earl Hopkins

That’s true. If you’re in South Philly, there’s not much that can be done. I understand the discomfort of being surveilled by your neighbor, but it’s not like the camera is pointed in your living room. That’s a part of rowhouse living you have to accept. It doesn’t hurt to ask though.

Mike Newall

You got a right not to be surveilled like a common criminal (or an adult person who very likely enjoys picking your nose in privacy on your top step because who doesn’t?) and your neighbor has a right to feel protected.

The answer to so many of the questions are: have a conversation.

But, Earl, you’re a younger and cooler dude than me. What happens if the conversation fails?

Earl Hopkins

If conversations fail, it’s simple: A war of doorbell cameras will break out, forcing each of them to point one at one another — like cowboys’ revolvers in the Old West.

Mike Newall

Yeah and the upside is you’ll have access to all those cute front porch videos, like when a raccoon sniffs your mail slot (does that only happen in East Passyunk?).

Earl Hopkins

But seriously: I can’t imagine the conversation will veer too far left. More likely than not, the neighbor will adjust his camera, or try to make some kind of concession. At worst, there will be clarity from both sides.

Have you had a similar dispute Mike? You’re a South Philly resident, through and through. How did you handle it?

Mike Newall

No, I haven’t. My neighbors are all pretty tight knit. We do right by each other and look out. And I have definitely never ever picked my nose on the top step. Doesn’t happen.

Earl Hopkins

Let’s pull the tape and see for ourselves. For journalism purposes, of course.

Mike Newall

I plead the fifth.

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

A beloved Eagles player moved to our neighborhood. I have to pass by his house every time I drop off or pick up my son from daycare. And every time I inevitably stare at his house, and then tell myself “be cool, be cool.” I did one time throw a “Go Birds!” at him when he stopped his car to let me cross the sidewalk. How many more “Go Birds” do I get? Should we, as his new neighbors, pretend he’s not a Super Bowl champion?!

Earl Hopkins, Arts & Entertainment reporter

First off, living in the same neighborhood as an Eagles player is THE ultimate flex.

Second, as journalists we’ve mastered the ability to hide our fandom behind a resting reporter face, so my views may be a little skewed. But it still stands: One “Go Birds” is enough. (All right, maybe two.)

Let the man settle in the neighborhood first, then introduce yourself as if he’s another resident. I’m sure he doesn’t mind being recognized for his athletic achievements, but I recommend getting to know the person beyond the uniform first.

Stephanie, what do you think?

Stephanie Farr, features columnist

You definitely have a much cooler resting reporter face than I do. I agree that one or two “Go Birds” is enough.

It matters how close this person lives to the Eagles player. If they’re next door or two houses over from him, introducing yourself to your new neighbor — maybe with a box of cookies or soft pretzels — to welcome them to the neighborhood is a good avenue. If you live farther away than that though it will look fangirl-ish.

Earl, what do you think if the neighbors all conspired together to throw a neighborhood party and invited this Bird over? Would that be too obvious?

Earl Hopkins

I don’t think it would be too obvious, as long as people avoid swarming him with Eagles jerseys to sign. It’s summertime, and plenty of neighborhood parties are popping up across the city. It would be a good opportunity to enjoy the weather, commune with folks who have been bound to their couches all year, and it would be a chance to properly welcome the beloved Eagle into the area’s inner-circle.

Now, what if the welcome attempts and party invites are rejected? What should be the next move lol?

Stephanie Farr

Leave him alone and treat him like any other neighbor who wants to keep to themselves, or you risk ticking off someone you obviously admire. I think about what I would want if I were in the player’s shoes. I can’t imagine not having anonymity or a little peace and quiet — especially at your own house. I feel like if he wants to be neighborly, he will make it known.

Do you think approaching the Eagles player about something other than the Eagles could be a good avenue? Like, “Hey, dude. I love your topiary. Who’s your landscaper?”

(I’m assuming if this person lives in the same neighborhood as an Eagles player they have topiaries and landscapers, but it could be about anything they see they may have in common.)

Earl Hopkins

If he doesn’t want to be bothered, leave him be. He’s probably, y’know, focusing on winning a Super Bowl. Give him grace so we can feel the thrill of another championship run.

Stephanie Farr

Go Birds, but don’t randomly go up and hound Birds on the street. Sprinkle breadcrumbs and if they want to be your neighbor friend they’ll let you know. And if they don’t, take a cue from a former Eagle and don’t care if they don’t like you.

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

Is it rude to turn down a Fourth of July barbecue because it’s going to be 1,000 degrees? Let a woman sit inside … I’ll cook faster than the chicken.

Rosa Cartagena, Arts & Entertainment reporter

My knee-jerk response: Say no, and don’t feel guilty.

But for a better read on the situation — what’s your relationship to the host? Is this a must-do annual gathering? Are these friends you haven’t seen in a long time? Either way, we’re experiencing an extreme heat advisory, and you need to take care of yourself, so maybe staying home is the best bet.

Mike Newall, Life & Culture reporter

Before we begin, let me tell you a few facts about myself — so you can fully understand my bias. I was born with transparent skin. Nickname was Casper. I also hate sweating. Not if I’m exercising or playing sports or working. But if I’m just sitting down — I don’t want to be sweating.

I also don’t drink anymore. Given all that, I don’t ever like to be at a barbecue unless it’s in chilly Maine or I’m cooking. Because then I’ll be working, at least.

And Rosa’s right. Look after number one when it comes to heat advisories!

Rosa Cartagena

Oof, yeah, I agree with Mike — the sweat situation won’t be cute for anyone. What’s so special about this particular cookout, aside from the holiday? If it’s not an important tradition for you and your loved ones, then pass on this one and find another (cooler) time to enjoy the food and outdoors without so much discomfort. But if you do feel pressure to show up, you could always stop by early for a quick hour to show face and then duck out.

For my part, I do love the sun, and I think day drinking is the only July Fourth activity that I properly enjoy, but especially if you’re someone who’s older, or possibly have health concerns, it’s not worth the risk for some hamburgers. Protect your body (and your peace).

Mike Newall

Show your face to the bathroom mirror when you’re all sunburned!!!

Look, barbecues are just occasions to do things that aren’t enjoyable in 100-degree heat: make small talk, make sure the kiddo doesn’t get hurt or hurt anyone else, drink constant water and soda to keep boredom and nerves at bay and keep having to ask to use the bathroom (because of all that water and soda).

Rosa Cartagena

Totally true. I’d only add that it might be worth calling the host to see if their plans have shifted given the impending inferno — if they’re making adjustments to bring the party indoors, it may be worth the heat of traveling there and back. If not, just think how much happier you’ll be at home, in your AC, watching the World Cup and fireworks from the comfort of your couch.

Mike Newall

Call this host and ask them what the heavens to Betsy they were thinking of in the first place! Inviting you to such an obviously dangerous party in the first place! This selfish Meatapalozza in the middle of inhuman temps!

An event you would have to prepare an item for, pick out an outfit for, think of witty remarks for — all in the middle of Dante’s return!

But look, I’m someone who talks a big game, then goes and has the time of my life. So it’s really jump ball!

Look one things for certain. You can have a blast at a barbecue. It can be the summer kickback your soul needed. But this weather ain’t no joke.

Rosa Cartagena

Of course, there’s something really special about being outside and partying this week because there are thousands upon thousands of tourists enjoying the city and bringing such amazing, positive energy that I’d encourage everyone to experience. So if you wind up thinking, I want to have a good time during this historic, momentous celebration, I’m on your side. It could be a game-day decision. The urge to party may outweigh the dreaded sweat.

For me, I’d probably need just a couple tequila shots to make me feel invincible to the heat. (Then lots of water after, I promise.)

Mike Newall

Yes, drink responsibility! Do what you want! Have fun! And if anyone at this party brings up the 250th, just talk longly and loudly about how it all happened here. In short, be you. Be Philly. Happy 250th!

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

I am in an HOA. We are all in one group chat and are friendly to one another. One of the women in our chat, who is very nice in person, uses the chat to complain, almost weekly.

She thinks the kids are too loud playing outside on a Saturday afternoon. She says one of us put our trash out 20 minutes before we’re technically allowed to. She says one of us closes our front door so hard that it shakes the whole building. She constantly asks for us to get her Amazon packages and if we say we’re not home she says, “ANYONE ELSE?” Yes, in caps.

So yeah, we don’t like her. We’ve tried! So there are some ideas floating around, the main one being: Do we mute that group chat and start a new one without her? Or do we just tell her what the deal is?

Kiki Aranita, Food & Dining Reporter

100% mute that chat and start a new one.

Elizabeth Wellington, Features Columnist

I agree with Kiki.

But, we are trying to be helpful here and it’s a horrible thing when someone ignores the group chat. Have you established any ground rules in the chat? If not, maybe it’s time?

Kiki Aranita

Yeah, was this a chat established for getting packages for one another?

Elizabeth Wellington

I think at the very least you send a message out that starts with “No complaining.”

My apartment complex had a similar group chat on WhatsApp. After a month, I opted out. I’d rather not be in the know then hear about all of these people’s incremental problems.

Kiki Aranita

I’m not in an HOA but I live on a block where I know my neighbors and we’re all super active in grabbing one another’s packages and super appreciative of one another.

That said, we don’t complain in our group chats. Complaints are for friend group chats, not neighbor group chats.

Elizabeth Wellington

There are ways to keep people informed and, in this world, we need to be informed.

So my suggestion in drawing up ground rules is: no complaining. Informing is not complaining.

Kiki Aranita

Create a mini version of a neighborhood Facebook group, which has established ground rules, and is actively monitored by admins.

By the way — that last question of “do we tell her what the deal is?” I would not do this.

Elizabeth Wellington

I might though. People need to know when they are getting on your last nerves.

Maybe she doesn’t know how annoying she is. Maybe telling her is the first step.

Kiki Aranita

I’m not scared of confrontation in general, but I think confrontation like this can make it difficult to live with someone in such close proximity.

Elizabeth Wellington

You don’t have to curse her out, just a gentle nudge… “Like, girl… some of your group chat messages have been off-putting. We try not to complain. We are solutions oriented.”

Kiki, should we come up with a list of ground rules to help these folks out?

Kiki Aranita

First, no shouting/all caps.

Elizabeth Wellington

No making fun of people. No cursing. No complaining about things, especially other people. No gossip.

Kiki Aranita

Establish a motto like “to support and inform.”

I also like the idea of multiple group chats for neighbors (because I have them). They’re like slack channels. One is just for packages. Another one of my friends also has multiple group chats. Unfortunately, one of them is “the rat chat” — it only deals with rats.

Elizabeth Wellington

It’s fine if neighbors want to splinter off to talk about other things like packages and other such things, but the HOA group chat should be accessible to everyone in the HOA and it should have guidelines and rules.

You may not like old girl, but she lives there too.

Just set ground rules going forward.

Kiki Aranita

With a positive motto.

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

My husband has recently decided to get really into soccer. Of course he has decided he wants to get really into soccer right when the World Cup is here and tickets start around $1,000. Like most people, we can’t really afford that. If he’d been a lifelong fan, maybe I could justify it, but come on. Do I support his new passion or do I draw the line?

Rosa Cartagena, Arts & Entertainment Reporter

Well, arguably there’s no better time to pick up a passion for soccer in Philadelphia than right now because we’re one of the chosen few cities hosting the international spectacle renowned for celebrating the world’s most beloved sport.

I totally understand feeling wary of trying to get into the fray when it’s so prohibitively expensive, but I’ll admit that I’m definitely the person who would say yes to this — I think major live events are (typically!) worth it for the unparalleled experience you’ll have, especially if you can do it together.

Abigail Covington, Life & Culture Reporter

Unfortunately, for the reader’s finances, I totally agree with you, Rosa. I’m one of those idiots who paid an ungodly amount for “Eras” tour tickets, and I don’t regret it one bit. I can look back at that once in a lifetime event and say (I’m so sorry for this): it was rare, I was there, I remember it, ALL TOO WELL.

But enough about T. Swift. This is about your predicament. I suggest getting the cheapest tickets you possibly can. So much of the fun with these events comes from just being there. It doesn’t matter where your seats are. Especially if your husband is a new fan. Set a price limit. Do not allow him to purchase merch. Merch is for serious fans only.

Rosa Cartagena

Yeah I’m not gonna disclose how much I paid to see Bad Bunny during his San Juan residency but … I have never regretted it!

The other thing I’d note is that this World Cup opportunity could be what cements him as a lifelong soccer fan. Ultimately, I’d always encourage folks to support their partner’s passions instead of trying to come up with ways to restrict them. Of course, if you really can’t swing it, there are still fun ways to feel the energy of the World Cup outside of the stadium, from watch parties at local bars or the outdoor Fan Fest.

Abigail Covington

For what it’s worth, I would qualify being able to swing it as “I can put this on a credit card and eventually pay it off.” Or, “I can dip into our rainy day savings and make it work.”

If you have to take out a second mortgage to afford the tickets or, like, sell a kidney, don’t do that. Keep all your organs and go to the bar instead.

In general though, I’m also in favor of supporting your partner’s passions, especially if, like Rosa said, you guys can do it together. Call me a romantic, but I think you’ll enjoy seeing him in the stadium, geeking out over his newfound fandom.

Rosa Cartagena

Ha, yes I agree with you, Abigail — to be clear we are definitely advocating for a responsible way to afford those tickets!

The only other element I’m curious about is more context around the husband’s history: Has he picked up and dropped expensive hobbies or passions before? Is this a sore spot in the relationship due to some previous impulsive financial decisions? Because then I’d sympathize with wanting to avoid a pricey bandwagon move only for him to lose interest soon after.

Abigail Covington

Yeah, like if your husband suddenly got really into hockey ahead of the Olympics earlier this year and is now the proud owner of a pair of ice skates he never uses maybe proceed with caution. But otherwise, go forth and splurge!

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

Hi we decided to write this together so you have both sides fairly represented. We recently moved in together and it’s going great (young, gay, in love!), but we only have AC in the bedroom. One of us prefers the room wayyyy hotter than the other at night (80 degrees vs. 70 degrees). One of us argues that at 70 degrees, the other person can just wear sweatpants. The other one argues that at 80 degrees it’s not that hot, it saves money, and the other person can focus the fan on themselves. What do we do?

Earl Hopkins, Arts & Entertainment Reporter

As someone who naturally runs hot, especially during the summer months, anything above 76 degrees is an absolute no go. I never understood why some people like to bake under their covers, but our bodies all operate differently.

I think an easy compromise is to place the AC somewhere in the middle. Maybe around 75? That seems reasonable to me.

Stephanie Farr, Features Columnist

First, I love that they wrote this together. It shows they communicate well and are willing to face problems openly and honestly, which is a great foundation for any relationship.

Second, it’s often said that one of the things couples argue about most is money, but I’m of the firm belief ambient room temperature ranks pretty high up on that list, too. It’s something you may not even think about until you move in with someone and realize they are the Human Torch or Mr. Freeze.

In my house, I am Mr. Freeze, so I’m fully siding with the partner who has the totally reasonable request to keep the AC at 70. 80 is way too hot. Heck, thanks to the Human Torch I live with I’ve discovered even 75 is too hot at night for me to sleep with a blanket on — and I need a blanket to sleep.

What’s your opinion on putting on more clothes vs. using a fan?

Earl Hopkins

I think it’s way easier to add a layer of clothes than it is to have the sound of a fan buzzing in your ear all night. It’s OK when there’s a heatwave and broken AC. But beyond that, I recommend throwing on a pair of sweats, a long sleeve shirt, or a beanie.

Also, I’m no electrician or HVAC specialist, but are you really saving that much money? I don’t know. Stephanie, how do you feel about cuddling as an alternative to 80-degree temps? I think there’s a cheat code there.

Stephanie Farr

Oh I love the cuddling idea! It promotes intimacy and is a good argument against keeping it warm in the room. Nobody wants to cuddle someone when they’re all hot and sweaty.

And I’m with you on more clothes vs. fan. You can always put more clothes on when you’re cold or pile up the blankets (and cuddle!), but when it’s getting so hot in there you’ve already taken off all your clothes and you’re still sweating, what then? Are you supposed to sleep with ice packs because a fan alone will not cut it?

Do you think that only having one room with AC — aside from the whole house — should factor into the decision?

Earl Hopkins

I think so! If there’s only one room your partner can truly get cozy in, give them free rein. It’s like giving your loved one the last slice of pizza or chocolate cake. Of course you want it, but it’s a lovely gesture that doesn’t require much sacrifice. A little chill at night won’t hurt!

Stephanie Farr

Agreed! The AC room should be considered a human refrigerator in this home — an arctic oasis where the one who’s Mr. Freeze can escape and find solace. The Human Torch partner already has all the other rooms nice and toasty, so they can go to sleep in one of them if they don’t like the cold.

I wonder if the partner who wants it 80 degrees at night may not be from the U.S. In that case, this makes a bit more sense. We’re very spoiled here. I remember a great column last year by Adrian Schulz, a journalist from Berlin who did a fellowship with us at The Inquirer last summer. He expressed shock, confusion, and mild horror at our AC habits here, writing: “Am I in a restaurant or in the Siberian Tundra? Am I at an airport gate or in a cryogenic chamber? Am I on the Broad Street Line or the Polar Express?” Meanwhile, when I went to Germany in September 2024, I was shocked, confused, and mildly horrified by the lack of AC everywhere amid sweltering heat.

It’s what you’re used to, I guess, but living with a partner means getting used to new things. I think Earl has the best idea — a compromise at 75 — to start out (then slowly inch the temp down from there by dangling the possibility of more cuddles).

Earl Hopkins

More hugs and cuddles is good for the soul.